Monday, August 4, 2014

To Spoon or to Spork, that is the question! 

The ever wondrous Mixed Species guys review Neva Starr's shop Twisted Metals.

We want to kick off this Artist on Artist review with a warning: Although you will be equally entertained and amazed at our deft review of this amazing shop, there will be the usual tangents into the darker, stankier realms of junkies, goat cheese, cave aged dude cheese, and the female logging movement. Also remember to click the linked text as that's half the fun. You have hereby been warned.
After “living in” Twisted Metal’s shop for a few days, it is hard to figure out where to start. First off we went off track with a deep trip in to the psychological 90’s spoon bending! We would highly recommend you grab a pair of combat boots, cut off shorts over long johns and do the same. Even after not witnessing it with our own eyes and completely imaging in our own feeble brains, it still amazes us that Neva uses no tools, bending, shaping and coloring her flatware chimes with the power of her mind. Tho there may be a case for these not being hand made one would have to assume that mind made is some serious next level shit in the DIY movement. 

For those interested, yet another amazing gift from the inter webs, a youtube telekinkinesis tutorial video if anyone would like to move their production to the hands-free realm. A word to the wise, we tried the telekinkinesis thing and ended up projecting this gif out of our eyeballs for approximately 3.6749 hours. Making out burgers is a serious weakness with us, along with mayo and knitter gals, thus we would not expect you to project the same image, but one from the deep recesses of your gross out mind. You're reading our blog so we know you've got a gross out mind, you stinking little stinker. 

We got the projection eyeballs to cease with a little maxing and relaxing Mixed Species guy style!  

Now that we had put ourselves in a relaxed state, the sweet sound of delish spoon chimes was  floating around our heavenly, hairy and well-inebriated man bodices. It was the siren calls of the One fish two fish look at this blue fish chime beckoning us to crash our skateboards on shores azurite and golden beauty. As dudes with a keen eye for the balance of beauty and form, we are well enamored with the color and luster in many of the fine chimes in the Twisted Metals shop. Check out of few of our faves and we're sure you'll agree, piss on tieing yourself to the mast or filling your ears with bees wax or any such nonsense. We say, go, go to the siren calls of Neva Starr and Twisted Metals, steer your ships wheel, skateboard, hummer or mobility scooter right to their beautiful, angular and METAL shores!

Here's the One fish two fish piece, though we like to refer to it as Yes, we deserve to have soap in mouths but we'd like to spoon too mama!

These little gems are yet another example of Neva's great use of heat inspired color. We humbly refer to these bad mamajama's as the Lick My Front, Lick My Back, I'd Play Sportball with these on my Sack.

Next stop, was the Family of three fishing wind chimes. 

We couldn’t help but imagine ourselves as the three fishermen. Face McSpecies would be regaling everyone with his tales of growing up in Eastern Oregon fishing in high mountain streams where you have to sneak up on the easily spooked wild Brook Trout. At the same time Hairy McSpecies would be debating about which combination of his bodily fluids would work best as chum.  Poppa McSpecies would be staring at the distant shoreline imagining his perfect set up of a yurt, grove of olive trees and goats to begin his dream farm/home. Let's not forget our dear Corporate McSpecies planning on how to chain this lovely family to a printing press for twenty hours a day.  Whoa. We definitely drifted a bit on that one. 

Oh, and back to the shop.  Let’s start off looking by at the Original Spoon Fish Wind Chime
We can see these swinging in a light ocean breeze from Monterey to Miami, even through flowing Poppa's mane and tail. Not to mention everywhere in betweenThe sounds of these beautifully crafted spoons gently swaying in the breeze will not only put all restless souls in a gentle state of mind but will also drive all nearby junkies crazy at the thought of this many spoons ruined with holes cut in them.

Twisted Metals also does a great job fleshing out family imagery in their chimes. Whether your relationship status is standard, bi, tri, quad, penta, polenta, beastial, furry or bronie, you can find a chime that will represent your happy place.

Maybe you'd roll with the Happy Family Fishing

Or maybe you'll be more comfortable getting down with your rural self with the What Goes on in the Woods, Stays in the Woods.

There’s not enough time and space to share everything we enjoyed in this shop. One of the last items we want to share are Neva Starr’s Wooden Buttons.  These are awesome! For all of you single dudes out there we would highly recommend trading out the top button in your favorite skinny jeans for one of these wooden buttons. On your next trip to your local hipster bar, natural food co-op or Local Lady Loggers meet up you are guaranteed a good evening. Two words for the rest of you art school drop-outs … Focal Center

This shop easily earns our guaranteed five out of five stars!

If you have an item, a shop, a friend, a moldy sammich, something, anything, seriously name it and pay us, we guarantee to give it five thumbs up and write a bunch of random funny, gross stuff about it. Go here for your own Purchasable Positive Review!  

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

NEW RELEASE - Blood Cobra T-shirts

Hey you guys, after hurting your eyes with his art and photos, melting your nose with his hate hammer "natural pheromone" scent, Hairy McSpecies is now taking aim at your ear holes and buttoning up his trifecta of sensory disappointment. 

To complete this attack on your poor senses go listen to his heavy meathole band at the link below while staring at the photos that come up after a google image search for Hairy McSpecies. 

All medical bills should be sent directly to Rending For Humanity, Arm the Whales United or Stambers Geo-Jaguar auto sales in Cornvallis Oregon.

Oh, and about the actual product itself? Printed on black tees, Hairy McSpecies laid down the smoothest blood red and distressed off white that the human eye can handle. For this tee we utilized a "unisex" Canvas brand shirt. It's fit is similar to American Apparel but not so tight! 

If we sell enough shirts we promise to stop making this "music".

Monday, August 12, 2013

Hot pounding artist on artist action.............Much ado about TinyMeat, in our faces, mouths and gosh darn, it's just so good, put a little in eyes too!

Michael Wood first came to Portland Oregon (aka Mt. Bikeorgymustachehumper) in search of the exceptionally rare Tri-horned beaver snake, in hopes of spurring a business marketing Tri-horned beaver snake finger socks, an idea so unique its originality was only surpassed by its uselessness. To this day, not only has nary a single Tri-horned beaver snake been found, but, not a single human has ever even thought about adorning their fat digits with socks (tri-horned beaver snake or other) prior to putting on a glove. A near dorkade after throwing in his crunchy towel on the finger socks idea, Michael, at the end of his creative rope, tossed the last remaining finger sock prototype into the Westmoreland park pond. That would have been the end of the story, hold for the serendipitous moment that followed. A one-eyed and rather inebriated duck came listing by, bottle in wing, yelling "Hey, hey Willie, I found my wallet! Fucking Julie said she fed it to the god damn turdles. I'm done with interspecies mating attempts, they just don't understand how we ducks roll! Curse the heavens, who were we supposed to pork with these crazy long corkscrew penises anyway?" "Well, Yummy D, other ducks I would guess, but that's just not enough for you is it?! Is it, is it, Yummy D?!"  To Michael, most of this very dramatic duck exchange was superfluous, except for the the evolution of the finger sock to a wallet. The idea expanded in his mind instantly, or, well, almost instantly.  It went exactly like this, "finger sock, duck wallet, hmm, duck fat, yum, hmm, duck dinner, crap I am hungry, where's my wallet, shit, where did I put that thing, oh meaty duck fat, yum, man, I'm hungry, a big boy like me has go to eat, ducks, hmm, ducking christ where's my wallet, wallet, wallets, I'll make walnuts, er, eh, wallets, wallets that's it!" Smart and ethical thinker he his, he grabbed that well drunk, one-eyed duck (now swimming circles whilst crying from his one eye) and took him home to solidify an equitable business plan to monetize their shared idea.    
Michael finishing up contract negotiations with his first partner, Yummy Duckofferson 
In the wake of his first bidness partner's early earthly departure, Michael named his company Tinymeat. In this way he honored the dear departed Yummy Duckofferson's pains in adapting to life with an overactive libido, surpassed only by his over the top, nuts, wang dangler. Thus in one fell swoop we have not only the birth of possibly the hippest shop on Etsy but one of the most honest and entertaining and han-assed (pronounced honest for the point of this joke) and original and honest origin stories of all Etsy sellers.

The cornerstone of Tinymeat's engorged booty quaking bubble butt rump shaking shop are the Billfold Art Wallets. These bad boys bring the Stiles to your cash stash, your meat seat, the junk in your trunk and the funk in your skunk, "Wait, what the crap does any of that mean?"  It means these wallets are six times awesome and we've clearly been watching way too many Rudy Ray Moore movies. We at Mixed Species have a super soft spot for the Weekender design, it brings together much of what we hold dear: vans, fams and parental funishment of children by Dad's asinine attempts to embody an Ed Abby character's life for the brief weekend hours. The one real issue we see with sporting one of these fine billfolds, there is about zero chance of a chick not asking you for the number of the dude that made such masterpiece when you pull it out pay the tab.

Commanding a sea of fantastic designs like a modern Ahab. 

Tinymeat's products are hipper than Freddie Mercury and Elton John's bastard child, with not only a plethora of his own kickass art, but many others too. Tinymeat features a full on Who's Who of grade kickAss guest artists Here's a way short shorts list of a few gems we found:

Heading up the group, our fave ocular slayer, Martin Ontiveros, bringing the Three Eyed Dagger of Doom.

Justin Scrappers of Grass Hut fame busts the Let's Go (slay balls, yes that's how we refer to camping, our trips have been known to get real rural at moments).

Mikeatron brings in the classic barficorn.

Another fine example of Tinymeat kicking the MS guys in our stinky sweet spot is what we refer to as the Stabbin' Cabin Overnight Bag, granted Michael has opted for more palatable title, Vantastic No. 1 pouch. As a side note, one of our pork partners and fellow Etsy baller, Betty Turbo, finds the word "pouch" oddly hideous and cringes every time it is said, so, go mess with her on that front if you have the chance, you can do that at the following places: her blog, her Facebook (contact us directly for her phone number). Back to the Stabbin' Cabin Pouch, If it was just a bit bigger we'd shitcan our plans to load it with roofies n' space crack and rock this dirty mother (shut yo mouth!) as reusable sandwich bag. It'd be perfect for the days I attempt to sneak into Taco Tornado's school as a fellow student. Speaking of school, back to school, old school, new school, shit I didn't even go to school, go pick up at least eight of Tinymeat's pencil and zipper cases for your stinky demon spawn. If you don't, your child will absolutely join a gang, rob, start a cultish church and sell drugs to innocent chipmunks. Those little bastard chipmunks just can't say no, they are rumored to have a "nut in, nut out" policy, which is not only exceptionally painful, but, let's face it, simply not much help to their stated plan of growing legions of chipmunk armies to control the world's park system.
What does this have to with Michael of Tinymeat? Nothing, dumbass, he's a duck man!


The quality of Tinymeat's vinyl products are second to none. We attribute this not only to his clearly conceptualized and super well executed product but to his unique and downright amazing approach to their creation. Hold on to your shorts dear readers, this is gonna blow the piss right out of your ear balls.
A true Portlander, Tinymeat, starts the production part of his day around four in the afternoon by exposing himself to mass quantities of art and interesting imagery in Bud Clark fashion, hairy and naked.
After topping off his tank with mental stimuli, Michael, a firm believer in "reduce, refuse, reuse" spends the rest of the evening consuming copious amounts of empty, sterilized milk jugs. When the morning lights just crests Mt. Hood you will find Michael, naked, in his back yard vomiting what can only be described as half chewed dog rawhide into the large black tank, Michael refers to as "Genesis". Michael then tosses in spools of thread made from his own hair, dances around Genesis, and chants something indecipherable for a few hours. After this scene, which one can only describe as hotter than Joan of Ark's last moments on earth, he reaches in and pulls out not only fully finished products but a usb drive with perfect photos and solid quippy descriptions for his Etsy shop.

How the fargin hell did even this level of a craftyass muthersquirter come up with something so insane? No ICP nardlickers, it was not miracles, while we've got your short spanned ICP attention, magnets are not miracles and most people in this world, hold for you, know how they work. That said we have no idea how Michael pulls this magic off, but the below image leaked to us from world renowned crafting double agent, Deep Scrot, shows Michael being lovingly fed a corndog from an all too familiar crafty master.

Tinymeat sports a fan base more dedicated than Anthony Wiener's wife, who unwittingly also became a dedicated fan after confusing Michael's shop name with her less-than-better half's screen name.

Chelsea Clinton says of Tinymeat, "Call it a revolt to my parental authority, but I love Tinymeat"

Vera Katz eloquently said of Michael, "Floating like beacon of hope among a sea of mustache growers and mustache lickers doing neon towel dances to monolithic mini statues of Pabst Blue Ribbon cans sits a true original muthalicka named  Michael Wood aka Tinymeat. God, what has happened to my dear city? Nevertheless, what I would give to mount that mammoth stallion!"

Herve Villechaize aka Tattoo, of Fantasy Island says of Tinymeat "It's a brand I feel exceptionally comfortable with. Had it been around during my life I would have happily stumped for Tinymeat as I do in the post life."

Last and least we the Mixed Species guys give Michael and Tinymeat all twelve of our magical stinky thumbs up. Seriously we love this guy, I may go so far as to say I'd eat the balls of a charging rhino just to see him smile. I mean look at that picture of him with duck, how can you not cry your stinking little face off looking at the cutegasm in that picture?
This dude is gold! Give him your money, kids, blood, flowers, whatever, give it now.

Hey kids, this is Face McSpecies stepping in here at the end of this review for a little "Outro". I have spent the last few years correcting Hairy McSpecies' grammar, aggro-hippy-punk douche slang and removing entire paragraphs at a time that would of had him immediately jailed for his own protection. It is now time to let our little hairy ballerina of words spread his wings and soar. I hope you thoroughly enjoyed his penchant for mass confusion and run on sentences. Do not worry, I will wade in arm and arm with him on the next few reviews. It's just fun every now and then to sit back and watch an artist be an artist! And as for Tinymeat. We watched this guy blow by us years ago. Now we will have to be content trying to catch air off his wake on the shitty little knee-board we call Mixed Species. 

Go here right now or we'll never be friends again

Hairy D. McSpecies